"Constructive Boredom"

Hi everyone. It's been about a week since I wrote last and I will take the events in order- starting with my experience of allowing myself to choose to be bored.

Last Friday Elchanan told me my fast would end on Monday, and that my task was to not have any distractions until then. And he meant NONE. Being at home alone with my dog meant I could not be true to the letter as I had responsibilities- I had to feed the dog, get myself water, go get the mail and whatnot. He said no computer (I did check for important emails in the AM and PM but did not read anything that didn't require my attention). He said no TV at all. No radio at all (Oh my- no Padres games). I was permitted to read, but was to be paying attention to when my eyes got tired. As most of my time was spent laying in bed I figured I would find a good novel and read and rest.

I have to confess- I am not one to let myself be with myself. I have a radio or TV on somewhere all the time (yes- TV on at night most nights all night). The first day I did a lot of laying there and mostly reading and I felt an agitation I couldn't name. At about 10 at night I decided I shouldn't read anymore and just laid there and had my first bad night sleep in a very long time. I let my mind wander- I imagined eating fruits and vegetables, spent millions won in the lottery- thought about how I would open myself up to new people more of a like mind than I have in decades- tried to describe them specifically in my mind. The whole time I fasted I had not one emotional experience as is usually experienced. I thought maybe the three plus months of dynamic self-discovery work that I did right before the fast could have cleared me of a lot of things that might have come out otherwise. I thought this might be similar to eating well for a long period of time before fasting and having few physical symptoms. I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM.

The next day went kind of like the first and when it was time to put the book down for the night I had a very positive attitude about experiencing the boredom. I was going to relax into it and give it a good shot. I didn't stay up quite as long, but my thoughts were interesting and not very revealing in any way.

The next day my food buyer brought over the largest seeded organic watermelon I have ever seen in my life. By the late afternoon I was planning my feeding schedule and by the evening I gave up on constructive boredom and listened to the Padres game. I am going to give this "alone with me" time concept a scheduled place in my life, as soon as my life settles down. I am working on gaining self-awareness and can't do that without stopping the unnecessary noise in my life. At least the external noise I can control. The internal noise will be harder.

Elchanan says the end of a fasting period is a perfect time to try constructive boredom. He thinks maybe had I stayed with it the last evening I could have experienced something interesting. My little inside voice says another night would have been like the first two. Who knows- I am not planning on another fast this long anytime soon.

Tomorrow I will talk about my re-feeding. See you then-

Seena